You Suck

Any musicians out there? Yeah. Cool. Guess what? This girl OWNS you!

Angry, Sullen Peanuts

The Intertubes are full of interesting stuff.

No, really. It's not all crap and porn.

For instance, this artist, with a screen name of gNAW, has taken our beloved Peanuts characters and aged them with a twist of anime.

Lucy, Linus and Charlie Brown:



Franklin, Schroeder and Pigpen:



Charlie Brown and the Little Red Haired Girl:



Can't imagine this would go well with traditionalists, but well, hey, that's why we have them. It's still pretty cool regardless.

You can check out more here.

The "L" is for Let's Be Cool

Arguably, one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history.

Cat scratch fever

One of the funniest things I have ever read. This ranks right up there with the Chili Cook-Off story, which I'll post another time.

From a great site, List of the Day, this is one of Craigslist's Ad of the Day features.

My Cat Sprayed Ass On Me
Reply to: anon-60160142@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Feb 17 11:14:50 2005

This morning, I was assaulted by my cat in a way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

My kitties and I have a morning routine that involves saying goodbye before I walk out the door. I was suited up, ready to go, and I walked over to my dresser to retrieve my keys. As usual, my male kitty was lounging on the dresser, waiting for his goodbye scratches. He stood up to give me my usual nuzzle goodbye, and then the most unholy of acts took place.

The friendly feline stretched, and the force of his stretch caused his anal glands to express....all over my face and in my mouth.

Now, a little biology background for those of you who aren't in the know. Dogs and cats have these glands in their anus that get expressed, usually when they defecate. The smell is somewhat akin to rotting bodies that have been dry-rubbed with gorgonzola cheese and then spit-roasted over a pile of burning feces.

Yum.

Plus, like all organic smells, it tends to bind to fabrics, which makes for a pleasant surprise when your cat rubs its butt on your sheets or couch. But, nothing compares to being sprayed full on in the face with this heinous slime.

At first I thought there was a drip coming from the ceiling. I looked up, puzzled, and then the smell and taste hit me like a ton of bricks. I stumbled blindly to the bathroom shouting, "I've been hit! I've been hit!, puked my breakfast up, and scrubbed my face, including my tongue, for 10 minutes.

The smell was still there.

I called Michele in a panic and she suggested I called the vet. I threw up again, composed myself, and made the most embarrassing phone call of my life.

Me: "Um...hi. My cats are patients over by you and uhhh...ok. This is going to sound crazy. Heh. Never thought I would make a call like this. Long story short, my cat expressed his anal glands on my face and I can't get the smell off."
Receptionist:" Hmm. Um. Let me get one of the techs on the phone for you."

I was then passed along to about 4 people in the office to explain my story, all the while trying to ignore the howling laughter in the background. The best they can come up with is for me to try rubbing vinegar on my face. Desperate, I try it out. After wincing through the sting and rinsing it off, I realize that I now smell like a delicious ass salad.

My face rapidly begins to dry out, making my skin feel tight and itchy. I slap some cream on and scream as the sting intensifies. Scrub, scrub, wash, wash.

More panic ensues, and I hop on the horn to Michele once again. I need to get to work, but I can't go out in public smelling like I bathed in eau de cat-ass, can I?

We decide to pull out the big guns, and my final attack on the funky face problem is to dab Febreeze on my face with a cotton swab. Sure, my face is blotchy and itchy from the chemical warfare it endured, but at least I smell predominantly like freshly washed laundry with a slight undertone of a tossed cat ass salad.

I am sure all of the odors will wear off eventually, but the mental anguish of unwanted anal play is sure to stick with me for a long while.

Man vs Beast

When you think of "animal control," you think of the person who scrapes possum off of the road so it doesn't splatter on your tires.

In some places, that person is called "Dad" and the event is called "dinner."

However, that is not the case here. I need animal control, no matter who they are or what they do, for there are squirrels in the attic of my house.

Yeah. Squirrels. Cute little acorn eating furry f&%king rats who are invading my house, digging through my insulation, running amok above my bedroom and aren't even paying rent!

I would like them to be gone.

I don't want them killed, so if any of you fair readers are with PETA, just settle down and go nibble on some tree bark or something. I have no problem with the little bastards staying on our mortal coil, I just want them to explore the rest of the Earth outside of my house.

Now, where was I? Oh, right. Squirrels.

My wife and I weren't sure at first. We called an exterminator to come out and take a look. He saw mouse droppings. Put down a few traps. All done.

But the critters kept crittering. And loudly.

Upon hearing them above us, I looked at my wife and said, "If those are mice, we need a gun, because those are the loudest, heaviest mice I've ever heard."

(Not that I'm an expert or anything, but still...)

Later on, out of curiosity, she went up to the third floor of our house, opened the door to the attic and shined her flashlight around. Upon doing so, she was greeted by 4 friendly eyes as the squirrel version of Chip and Dale said hello.

So much for mice.

Today, I met with a representative of an animal control company. Fifteen minutes and $95 later, he tells me we have squirrels.

Oh enlightened buddha of the vermin, your words ring throughout the land as the truth and the way.

He asked me what kind of trap I would like him to use...a cage trap or a kill trap. He would have offered a third choice if we weren't in city limits, he said. It consisted of a chair, some Mountain Dew and a rifle.

Needless to say, I stuck with the cage trap.

So there are two cage traps in my attic, both slathered with peanut butter. The traps should have occupants by this evening. A quick call and he'll come back tomorrow to relocate them "to the country." Then he'll put some metal over the hole they dug to keep them from calling on Casa de Scott again.

For $275.

Yeah. 275 bones. For squirrels to go back to nature, be at one with the wilderness, in harmony with the winds and the light.

Hmmmn. Maybe I should have called PETA instead.

Strange animals and other such nonsuch...

I don't know if you if you've noticed this or not, but there's an assload of useless crap on the Internet...

And here's a sampling:

Seven Hamburgers of the Apocalypse. Seven of the biggest, nastiest slabs of meat you'll ever see and hopefully never eat.
People in Cars. Ever wanted to see a bunch of people in their cars? Yeah, me neither. But I looked anyway, and so will you.
Strange Animals. So freaky, you'll think these are Photoshopped. Apparently, God had a lot of spare parts around when He created these beauts.
Flying Pizza Kitty. Duh.
The Surrealist Compliment Generator. "Your elbow patches rumble with a fear reminiscent of mayonnaise cradled in scotchguard."
Stop Alien Abductions. Need instructions on how to make that Thought Screen Helmet to protect you from the Alien MindMeld.
Impending Doom Clock. If we don't start listening to Al Gore, the environment is going to crap all over us. Find out when that shitstorm will hit.
Death by Caffeine. Before you suck down that cuppa Joe, see how many more you'll need to pull a Ben Sanderson and drink yourself to death.

Ok, I've done enough damage here. Good luck.

How Facebook can get you fired

Using the Intertubes at work can be a hazardous and costly thing. First, there's the productivity issue. Clearly, the more you are on the Tubes at work, the less productive you are. That costs the company money. That's not good.

Especially in this economy...

And of course, using Al Gore's invention could bring about viruses and such, but hell, that's what the IT department is for, right?

However, the most hazardous thing may be your own tiny brain and thoughts that run from the top of your head and come out through your fingertips onto the keyboard and appear for the world to see. Frequently, and for some, unfortunately, those synaptical impulses often remove any common sense filter you may have.

Just ask these teachers...

A Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools teacher faces firing for posting derogatory comments about students on Facebook, while four others have been disciplined for posts involving "poor judgment and bad taste," spokeswoman Nora Carr said Tuesday.

WCNC, the Observer's news partner, turned up questionable pages on the social networking site by searching for people who identified themselves as CMS employees.

Superintendent Peter Gorman has recommended firing a teacher who listed "teaching chitlins in the ghetto of Charlotte" as one of her activities and drinking as one of her hobbies.

...She would not provide details about the offensive material, but the pages Campbell submitted included photos of female teachers in sexually suggestive poses and a black male teacher who listed "Chillin wit my n---as!!!" as an activity and had a suggestive exchange with a female "Facebook friend" accompanying a shirtless photo of himself.

Of course, there have been other cases of teachers posting information/content deemed inappropriate by some...

- A Colorado English teacher fired for posting her sexually explicit poetry on MySpace.

- A Florida band director fired for a MySpace profile that included "his musings about sex, drugs and depression."

- A Virginia art teacher fired for posting photos of his "butt art," done by painting his private parts and pressing them onto canvas.

All I have to say about that last one is, Duuuude? WTF?

Now I don't want to get into a free speech argument. I'm all for free speech. However, given their profession and the fact that they posted this information on a site that is popular with students, you'd have to say that it wasn't the smartest choice they could have made.

I know, I know...teachers are people, too, despite what my 13 year-old daughter says. They have hobbies, interests, even a life outside of school. But still, people...a little common sense. You have a very high profile job that requires decorum and professionalism. Remember this.

Failing that, try to remember the old adage, "Never put in writing anything that you wouldn't want read in open court or by your mother."

Or school administrators...

Listen to what the man said...

This speech by President-elect Obama will go down as one of the greatest speeches in history. If you haven't yet heard it, please do. If you have heard it already, listen again. It's worth it.

"America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?"

We can do this. Yes we can.

There is joy in Mudville again

Barack Obama is the new President of the United States of America!


Now it's time to get to work on making our country better. Yes we can!

Running the ponies to the post

Everything has odds to it. A flip of coin, a game of rock paper scissors, hell, even whether a groundhog will see it's shadow or not. And because there are odds, there are gamblers, people who will bet on the odds that some action will occur a certain way.

Gambling, as you know, is big business with millions of dollars involved -- legally or otherwise. So much money, in fact, that there are professional gamblers out there in the world who make their living playing the odds. Some of them are bookies, but some are just flat-out placing bets on anything from dog races, football games, Oscar nominations, and, of course, presidential elections.

You see where I'm going with this, right?

See, here's the thing with elections. We're inundated with polls from every research group known to man. But polls are subjective, and the data involved can be slightly skewed and even just wrong based on how a person being polled is feeling at that particular moment. And there's really no repercussions if the poll is wrong or not. I mean, hell, they have a margin of error percentage attached to them.

Gambling doesn't work like that. There has to be a decision that sticks. Win, lose or draw. So accuracy is of the utmost importance. The gamblers' lives, figuratively and possibly literally, depend it.

Here's some more insight from Keith Thomson of The Huffington Post:

He didn't hesitate. "Polls can be inaccurate. People may say what is politically correct, the questions may be leading, the pollsters may be biased. A pollster can still bill for an inaccurate poll. Bookmakers must make an accurate line or they lose -- period."

For a second opinion I went to Ray Paulick, who was a protégé of notorious oddsmaker "Jimmy The Greek" before becoming a handicapper for the Daily Racing Form. Now he's editor of the thoroughbred industry insiders' must-read Paulick Report. "Gamblers have more experience with cheaters," he said. "They take voter fraud into their metrics. Polls don't. Nor do polls take into account how each state's secretary of state factors in, or systems within a state designed to eliminate voters; Jimmy the Greek called these 'the intangibles.'"

There's also some history involved with wagering on political outcomes to support the theory that gambling lines may be more accurate than polls.

America's long history of wagering on political outcomes, which boomed in the 1880s when betting moved from poolrooms to the Curb Exchange, the predecessor to the American Stock Exchange. Betting on political outcomes often drew huge crowds to Wall Street and exceeded trading in stocks and bonds.

"In presidential races such as 1896, 1900, 1904, 1916, and 1924, the New York Times, Sun, and World provided nearly daily [betting] quotes from early October until Election Day," write Rhode and Strumpf.

The papers' sources were betting firms, which had men present at speeches made by the candidates in order to make "unbiased reports of the psychological reactions of the audiences."

In the fifteen elections between 1884 and 1940, the betting firms were wrong just once, in 1916, when Wilson upset Hughes. And the gamblers might have had a perfect record had the Curb Market stayed open long enough to take into account late-breaking news from the West.

Currently, Betfair has Obama with 1-7 odds, McCain is 7-1. As of Sunday, Barack Obama has a 91% chance of winning the election.

To be fair, most polls are picking Obama as well, so perhaps this isn't the best examples to go by. However, you catch my drift...

Only one thing left to say

Some people I know have a message for you...

Far be it from me to listen to advice from actors, but, yeah...what they said.

Books that aren't approved by DCS

A very good blog, List of the Day, has a list of some great books. Books your kids should never ever see.

Happy Days are here again?

Some flashback goodness...

This is awesome!

In my line of work, we strive to make personal connections with the people who read the communications we create. We use demographic and psychographic data to really hone in on the beliefs, attitudes and behaviors of the people who view our materials in order to create a conversation with them and help them change a behavior.

So when I received the following email from MoveOn.org, the irony caused me to laugh out loud.

I suppose if I were going to vote for McCain, this might piss me off, but as I'm not, I think this is some great marketing.

Enjoy!

A lending hand

I was driving to pick up dinner for the family this evening. On my way, I caught the light on the main drag here in town and waited for the green. It's a bit cool this evening, but I have the window down a bit, because, well, I'm just weird like that. So as I'm listening to "Brown Sugar" on my iPod, I hear a voice say,

"You know, you're voting for a Socialist, right?"

"Sorry?" I said.

"You're voting for a Socialist if you vote for Obama."

(I guess he saw the Obama sticker on the back of my car.)

"And?" I said.

"Obama wants to 'spread the wealth.' He ain't using my money to help some lazy poor people!"

"You know that they already use our money to help those less fortunate than us, right?" I said.

"It ain't the same."

"Sure it is," I said.

The light turned green and the car pulled away, the words "No it aint, ya damn Socialist!" hung in the air above the blue blur of a McCain-Palin bumper sticker in motion.

"No it isn't," I said, resigned. "No it isn't."

So I'm a Socialist. Ok. Sure. Fine. I can agree with some of the tenets of Socialism. Taking money from the wealthy and spread it around for the commmon good. That's fine by me. I wonder, however, if our Mobile Politcal Profiler knows exactly what a Socialist is. According to Merriam-Webster online, Socialism is:

1: any of various economic and political theories advocating collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods
2 a: a system of society or group living in which there is no private property b: a system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state
3: a stage of society in Marxist theory transitional between capitalism and communism and distinguished by unequal distribution of goods and pay according to work done

So, if I understand the driver's argument correctly, the view is that Barack Obama's policies will turn America into a Socialist land. I guess anything can happen.

However I suspect that the driver is equating Socialism with Communism, still a bad word throughout most of the world. And while there is a connection between the two, there's also a connection to something else.

Democracy and Socialism. Take a look at this quote and tell me if I'm wrong:

How can there be real democracy without equality? Throughout history, the struggle for democracy has always been associated with the assault on social privilege and the achievement of a greater degree of equality than had previously existed.

Huge disparities in the distribution of wealth are inherently undemocratic. Such disparities imply profound differences not only in social position but also political power. Those who possess immense wealth will do everything in their power to curtail the ability of the broad mass of people to effect changes that would adversely affect their privileged position.

How democratic can a society be when 90 percent of its wealth is effectively concentrated in the hands of less than 10 percent of its population? Were social conditions in America determined on a truly democratic basis, such extreme differences in the distribution of wealth would not be possible. Yes, American citizens enjoy certain important democratic rights. But workers have, when all is said and done, no control over the basic economic forces and decisions that largely determine the course of their lives. It is the owners of the means of production who determine who shall work and who shall not. And even those who have jobs are essentially powerless when it comes to determining the aims and direction of the company for which they work.

So while it is certainly true that there can be no real socialism without democracy, it is no less true that there can be no real democracy without socialism. Source

What does this all mean? Socialism is inherent in all of us, to some degree, but ideology has strangled it. That’s my thought at the moment anyway. I'm not even going to get started on the prevalent theory that Jesus was a Socialist. And no, I am making NO COMPARISON between myself and Jesus. I'm not even close. Please don't go there.

The thing that bothers me most about this Socialism kick in the media is that it's merely a catchphrase meant to alarm people. That's why McCain and Palin keep mentioning it and why the "liberal media" always mention it in the same breath with Joseph McCarthy and Communism. Hell, Sarah Palin couldn't tell you the difference between Joseph McCarthy and Charlie McCarthy, the puppet with Edgar Bergen's hand up his ass.

Though I'm sure people thought Joseph McCarthy had someone's hand up his ass too. Had to be something up there, anyway.

What troubles me is that a man of such honor and decency such as John McCain would do this. There have been questions, primarily from conservatives, that McCain's campaign is in disarray because there are too many voices, too many opinions deciding its direction. They may be right. And if John McCain isn't running his own campaign, then it's clear who is. The Republican National Committee. And that, my friends, is scary.

Possible headline in that scenario: "CITIZENS WATERBOARDED INSIDE VOTING BOOTHS"

No film at 11, or any other time.

So there you have it, folks. My trip to pick up grub leaves me targeted as a Socialist. Yeah. So to sign off for now, I have this to say...

To John McCain, I say, "Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"

To the rest of you, I say, "Good night, and good luck."

For crying out loud...

Will someone get this lady a damn map?!

The little ol' lady from Pasadena, er, Shakeopee, Minnesota

Unfortunately, Andy Warhol's claim that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame also includes the uneducated and/or ignorant.

Surely, by now, you've seen the video clip of the woman at a John McCain rally who states that Barack Obama is an Arab and then is corrected by McCain himself. Well, the woman, Gayle Quinnell, did a phone interview with Noah Kunin, Senior Political Correspondent from The UpTake, Adam Aigner of NBC News and Dana Bash of CNN.

Quinnell said she obtained the information on Obama being an Arab at "her local library" and from a pamphlet obtained at a local McCain campaign office (provided by a fellow volunteer not the campaign itself). She has taken it upon herself to redistribute the information as widely as possible by making copies of the pamphlet and sending it to random names in the phone book.

You can read the transcript here, but I'd like to point out one highlight that disturbs me, and likely it will disturb you as well, fair reader:

Noah: Yeah, I know which one you're talking about. And just to be sure to make sure we got your quote OK, you called Obama and Arab terrorist?

Quinnell: Pardon?

Noah: You called him an Arab terrorist? Is that correct? Why do you think he is an Arab?

Quinnell Because his dad is. If you... I'll send you the paper.

Female reporter: His dad is Muslim His dad was Muslim. Barack Obama has never been a Muslim.

Quinnell: No but he's....

Dana Bash of CNN: He's a Christian.

Quinnell: He's not an Arab either, he's a --

Bash: His father was Muslim, and he's a Christian.

Quinnell: Yeah, but he's still got Muslim in him. So that's still part of him. I got all the stuff from the library and I could send you all kinds of stuff on him. In fact....

I know I don't have to go through this exercise, but by that logic I'm automatically an imperialist because I'm part English, my wife is a Nazi because she's part German and my daughter is an imperialist Nazi since she's part English and German.

WTF?

I have to admit, it gets a little tiring pointing out the painfully obvious nearly every day, but I just can't let it go. People, please educate yourselves with non-biased literature and information. Get all the facts, then make your decisions.

Maybe then I'll actually have to work on finding things to post on this here blogosphere...

Silly Hockey Mom

Someone dropped the ball on Sarah Palin dropping the puck at a Philadelphia Flyers game in Philly. She could've gotten killed. They cheered with Michael Irvin lay motionless on the turf of the Vet with spine injury. They've thrown D batteries at players. Hell, they've booed Santa Claus in Philadelphia.

She's lucky to get out of there alive.

My brain has locked up

The InterTubes are full of endless blatherings on what candidate said what, who's ahead in the polls, winking folksy pigs in lipstick and the impending sequel, The Great Depression: Hoover's Revenge. All very important, but the brain can only take so much.

So let's take a break from all that for today and see what else is going on in the world:

What's the big deal? Angelina Jolie is breastfeeding on the cover of W magazine. And the problem is ??? Breastfeeding is a completely natural act -- and she's covered up anyway.

Would you rather see Britney Spears' whole nekkid pregnant body instead?

Speaking of Britney. So we're getting the straight skinny from Britney regarding her, ahem, "issues" of a few months ago. In between gulps of Cappucino and her snarfling up of Cheesey-Puffs she said, "What the hell was I thinking?" Um, you weren't.

Don't cry for me, Argentina. Hugh Hefner is single. The Girls Next Door done left his ass. But worry not. The hero of Man has a couple other girls lined up for the rebound, though angels they ain't.

The Internet: Everything to everyone. Unfortunately, this also applies to kids who want to learn how to build bongs. Apparently, the government just figured this out. Want to know how to help keep your kid from doing this? Pay attention. Pay attention to what they're looking at online. Better yet, pay more attention to them.

Well, I think that's all for now. You folks have a nice weekend, and come back and see us sometime, doggone it. I'm going to look out my window and see how the Russians are doing.

I don't want to post this

Really. I don't want to. I don't want to join in with the rest of the country in promoting negative attacks on citizens, politicians, etc. It's not right, it's not fair, and it's not helping.

So I'm going to rationalize that my posting of this video is to help educate, because clearly, the people you're about to see are not educated. They are not even trying to be. They are destroying the old adage, "Don't judge a book by its cover."

More to the point, "Don't judge a presidential candidate by his name."

Please know that I'm not saying that only people who vote Democrat are educated. Nor am I trying to convert the masses to vote against John McCain, though admittedly, I am voting for Barack Obama.

I merely want people to get the facts and base their decisions once they have the facts. Just saying, "The name says it all" isn't good enough. This country deserves better than that.

"My fellow..." WTF???

Um, I, uh, ok, look. This man is getting more delusional by the moment. It's time for him to take a vacation, because clearly, the stress is getting to him.

Glass houses

I realize that Keith Olbermann is unabashedly liberal. But he also reports the facts, whereas Senator McCain and Governor Palin tend to leave those things out of their speeches. Like the issue of shady associations. Obama and Bill Ayers. Ok. Sure, maybe there's something a little untowardly about that.

But secession from the Union? Membership in an arms-delivering, anti-Semitic group? Those might be a bit unseemly as well.

Just remember, you opened the door. Watch out for the rocks.

The undisciplined, spoiled brat

If there's one article you read this political season, please read this article in the latest Rolling Stone magazine. It's lengthy, but it's worth it.

Much thanks to David Terrenoire, as always, disobeying doctor's orders of no booze, over on A Dark Planet.

"Maverick" Flow Chart

Taking "Family" Back

I don't know if you know this or not, but the Vice Presidential debate was on last night. I can't find anything about it in the media...

Sheesh.

One of the few refreshing points during last night's debate between Democrate VP candidate Joe Biden and Republich VP candidate Sarah Palin was when Senator Biden took "family" away from Governor Palin.

Here's what I mean:

Check out Biden's last statement:

"But the notion that somehow, because I’m a man, I don’t know what it’s like to raise two kids alone, I don’t know what it’s like to have a child you’re not sure is going to — is going to make it — I understand."

I've mentioned this before. Men are not, nor should they be, separate from or above their family. Not to their spouses. Not to their children. Not to their respective circles. Not to outsiders and certainly not to the government. Period.

Unfortunately, there are many men in this country and in this world whose actions disparage my opinion.

My ex-brother-in-law embodies this. Cheated on his wife. Overpromises and disappears on the kids. Now he has a son who wants nothing to do with him, doesn't respect him and a daughter who clings to the hope that her father will actually be a "dad" someday. Maybe the other child he had, who he claims isn't his, wonders the same thing.

But I digress.

So this post goes out to all those slack and elitist men out there who think that bringing home a paycheck means that their duties as a father and a husband are complete. Be a man and be a dad. Be with your family. Play with your children. Maybe someday this notion that only women raise the children will fade away and the concept that men and women, moms and dads raise a family together will become a common reality.

Dumbing down

Unfortunately, I see masses of dumb people heading to the polls on November 4th and voting for the wrong presidential candidate and his equally wrong vice-presidential candidate.

From CNN.com:

"Only Palin can save McCain, her party, and the country she loves. She can bow out for personal reasons ... Do it for your country," conservative columnist and former Palin fan Kathleen Parker of Nationalreview.com pleaded on Friday.

In defense, Republicans say the complaints are coming from "intellectual" conservatives -- not Main Street Republicans, who they insist love the "hockey mom," from Alaska, as Palin describes herself.

"These are the folks that really have responded to the candidacy of a McCain-Palin ticket. These are the folks that are showing up in huge numbers, tens of thousands, to the rallies," Leslie Sanchez, a CNN political contributor, said.

First of all, "intellectual conservative" is an oxymoron.

(Sorry. I had to get that out of my system.)

Second, that bolded statement shows both great strategic insight and a depressing realization: The Republicans do a great job of dumbing things down to reach their armless constituents. There are people out there who blindly pick a candidate simply because of the ticket or banner they run under, even if the candidate's policies end up putting them at a disadvantage.

The fact that this is even the case, that some people are so uninformed, with no reason or desire to become informed, that they will actually vote for a person, a party, or an ideology that limits or even oppresses them, is truly depressing and discouraging.

My wife, a staunch proponent of women's rights, argues that no woman should ever vote for a conservative candidate, as it's basically a vote against self-interest. The thought of a woman deciding for herself what her life should be like is just too much for conservatives to process.

She's right. But it's that blinding tie to ideology that continues this cycle.

Ideology is a heavy weight to shake once you have it. As my old professor, Dr. Bill Thompson once said, "Gang, ideology will get you killed."

He also said that "65 percent of the U.S. population has shit for brains."

Let's hope the masses forget to vote on Nov. 4.

The definition of cool

Cool as the characters he portrayed, cool as steel blue of his eyes, and cool as the humble, giving and talented person he was.

Very few others reached Paul Newman's level of cool, and even less will achieve that ever again. Rest in peace, Mr. Newman, and thank you for all you've done.

Two of my favorite movie scenes of all time.

Getting the Low Down

As always, Dave Letterman knows the deal.

Veal piccata. Lovely.

Vote, Dammit!

I'm voting for Barack Obama. I don't think that's a secret, given the content of many of the posts on this blog, and the image above. I suspect a fair amount of my readers are favoring Senator Obama as well.

But right now, I'm not stumping for Senator Obama. I'm stumping for the democratic process.

You need to vote. You must vote. Even I don't agree with who you are voting for, it's important that you vote and let your voice be heard!

Now, let's hope the actual voting machines/process works and is legit.

The links below go to an Obama site where you can register. If you have no desire to use these links, make sure you contact your local DMV or other voter registration facility and get registered to vote!

Register to vote

Learn about voting information in your state

The cutest song you will ever hear

The smile on my daughter's face when she hears this song makes it worthwhile to hear it 28 times in a row.

Ageism and Public Service

I understand this is a tricky situation here. I've known people who experienced serious cases of ageism in the workplace, and it's wrong. If a person can do a job, then they should be allowed to do that job.

However.

In regards to the supposed "leader of the free world," I am going on record as saying that John McCain is too old and his health too much in question for him to be elected President of the United States. I would say this even if his running mate was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Mitt Romney, Joe Lieberman or Mike Huckabee.

The fact that his choice for Vice President can run a hell of a PTA meeting, gut a moose and govern a state with more reindeer than people makes my belief even stronger.

Here's the facts, Jack.

I don't think these are facts that can be spun or otherwise made to be positive. Just my opinion. I could be wrong. I'm getting old, you know.

Brilliant

If you haven't seen the Tina Fey as Sarah Palin on SNL, you've got to watch this. Bloody brilliant.

If you have seen it, watch it again.

I hope Palin is flattered. Tina Fey nailed this impersonation.

Um, so, like, what?

I love it when blog posts write themselves...

When does being a governor or mayor for a short period of time not disqualify your credentials on national security? When you are John McCain and your task is to defend your vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

When does being a governor or mayor for a short period of time ABSOLUTELY disqualify your credentials on national security? When you are John McCain and your task is to defeat primary opponents Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani. (Source: Huffington Post)

I think if I were the Democrats I would just air YouTube videos of McCain's previous statements instead of paying money to create a new ad.

A giant f*^&k you to Sarah Palin

HA! This is awesome!! This rocks!! HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I just can't express enough how freakin' awesome that video is. Community organizers rock!

History Films

I remember these kinds of speeches. When we studied Nazi Germany in school.

Mitt Romney is quite possibly the worst public speaker ever.

'Course, his name is Mitt, for crying out loud.

I used to like Rudy Giuliani. But now he's just, to quote Karl Rove on Barack Obama, "a blowhard doofus." His speech is filled with more rhetoric than, than...fuck, I don't know, but it's a lot of damn rhetoric!!

I think Guiliani might be Italian for Goebbels

Is it me or is Joe Lieberman a real life version of Senator Palpatine from Star Wars? Just as evil, to be sure, but look at the resemblance:



I'm not even going to give Lieberman's speech the opportunity for air time.

I am wondering though, when are the Republicans going to actually talk about the issues and how they're going to fix things instead of how Obama is wrong for the job?

Just curious.

What really gets me is that according to the Right, anyone on the Left, anyone who's mildly liberal is an anarchic, atheist, U.S. hating pedophile who eats babies and small puppies.

What the fuck?

I am not that way. I don't even know anyone...liberal or conservative...who is like that. Seems to me you can find that on either side of the political scope. Last time I checked, I want a good home, a safe country, freedom and the ability to be a citizen of the country and the world without any fear. And I vote Democrat.

It's a great strategy by the Republicans. But it pains me to think how naive the American public can be to actually buy into that.

I guess that's the point of propaganda.

Up on the rooftop

The thrill of victory and the agony of defeat

The Olympics are upon us, and while there are plenty of stories about China's atrocious human rights beliefs, the choking haze of pollution that surrounds Beijing, and sadly, the tragedy of the murder and attack of a U.S. Olympian's family, the real story is always the athletes themselves.

As for patriotism and pulling for the U.S., sure, I'm rooting for our boys and girls. But I also root for all the athletes.

But understand the amount of time, effort and pure hard work that these athletes put in, often for only a 3 minute performance. To see the joy when one wins the gold, to see the disappointment when they come up short says it all.

Oh, the U.S. basketball team? They are not Olympians. Sorry, LeBron, Kobe, et al. Good luck getting a medal, but it doesn't count. Not in this writer's book.

Swimming and men's gymnastics are on tonight. Michael Phelps won the first of possibly eight gold medals with a world record performance in the 400 meter medley, and that was cool to watch. But the thing that always blows my mind is the gymnastics still rings.

You know. This one:

The strength, the flexibility and the outright determination and focus just amazes me. For every move they make, the athlete must hold the position for two seconds. Two seconds.

I don't think I could even hang on to those rings for two seconds, much less pull my ass up into a handstand on them.

Granted, that's not saying much, but still. You get my drift.

I know a lot of people think the Olympics are boring, and sure, some of the events don't exactly scream "Must See TV!" But if you get the chance, watch some of the action. Do it for the athletes.

WTF, part 3

I, what the...are you seri-

Noooo. They can't really think-no, get out of here. Really?

John McCain's new ad has folks reading between the lines

It's not easy to make the infamous Willie Horton ad from the 1988 presidential campaign seem benign. But suggesting that Barack Obama is the Antichrist might just do it.

That's just what some outraged Christian supporters of the Democratic nominee are claiming John McCain's campaign did in an ad called "The One" that was recently released online. The Republican nominee's advisers brush off the charges, arguing that the spot was meant to be a "creative" and "humorous" way of poking fun at Obama's popularity by painting him as a self-appointed messiah. But even this innocuous interpretation of the ad — which includes images of Charlton Heston as Moses and culled clips that make Obama sound truly egomaniacal — taps into a conversation that has been gaining urgency on Christian radio and political blogs and in widely circulated e-mail messages that accuse Obama of being the Antichrist.
(Source: CNN.com)

Here's the ad in question.

I, I, I don't know what else to say...

I'm pathetic

I'm a pathetic blogger.

Ok, I realize that's an oxymoron. But I trust you get what I'm saying.

I can't even maintain regular updates on my blog. Hell, even the old man updates his blog daily.

I'm a slacker.

I've missed so much. I've failed to keep you fair readers up to date on what's happening in the world. To wit,

Paris Hilton, presidential candidate.

Bill O'Reilly, children's book author. Er, not so
fast.

Brett Favre, a New York Jet?

Preacher's wife with a case of air rage.

Um, whatever this is.

Dick Cheney's new favorite amusement park ride.

I think that's enough for now, kiddies. I'll write more soon.

No, really. I will. I promise.

Can't we all just get along?

Yeah. I went Rodney King on your ass. Deal with it. He's got a point.

Come on Democrats. We finally get a candidate worth a crap and here some of you are, whining and complaining about rigged primaries and other such nonsense. Stop being such...such...Democrats!!

Here's what I'm talking about:

Party Unity My A--!

Not exactly the slogan you want heading into your presidential nominating
convention, but one that is being repeated online and in neighborhood bars by a
group of disenchanted Democrats, who have dubbed themselves PUMAs.

Why are they angry? It all depends on whom you ask.

Some of the PUMAs accuse Democratic leaders of rigging the primaries to
favor Sen. Barack Obama, while others feel that he is not qualified to
be the party nominee, let alone competent enough to lead the country. (Source: CNN.com)

Is this really necessary? Is this divisiveness really what we need in this country? Don't we have enough of that? Isn't that what the Republicans are for?

Speaking of, I'm sure the Republicans will subversively find a way to fund the PUMAs.

(Do Republicans do anything that isn't subversive?)

I just don't get it.

I'm starting to think the Old Man is onto something. This dancing with the devil with a blue dress on is getting a bit nasty.

It's the subtle things...

Something in that picture above seems out of place.

No, you say? The whole thing seems out of place? Well, let's see.

It's a political billboard. Clearly states the owner's political opinion. American flag waving in the background.

Oh, right. I see. The burning buildings in the background. Gee, I don't see the prob--

See, this is what drives me a little nuts about politics. That some schmoe with enough money can display crap like this. In this case, a man, Mike Meehan believes that 9/11 would never have happened if a Republican was the President, instead of Bill Clinton, a Democrat.

Of course, this billboard is in Florida. Where else? We need to sell that damn place to Cuba or North Korea where it won't do us any harm.

Does his argument have merit? Of course it does. It very well could be that 9/11 would never have happened if a Republican was President.

Or, perhaps, if Republican Presidents, such as Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the Elder, hadn't funded militia such as the Taliban (and it's co-horts, Al Qaeda) back in the 1980s and early 1990s, 9/11 might also have never happened, no matter who was President.

I would say the same thing if a Democrat had displayed this billboard as well, saying, "Please don't vote for a Republican." I don't think the terrorists really care who is in office. They're attacking America...the American culture, the American way of life. Mickey Mouse could be President and they'd still bomb away.

'Course, some people would say we already have a Mickey Mouse White House.

I know who Goofy is...

More WTF

A list of stupid, inane, moronic crap that makes me wish I was plankton...

Michael Jackson to make a comeback with the New Kids on the Block. I could make the requisite "Michael Jackson and little boys" joke, but I know you already went there.

Jose Canseco: "Madonna wanted me to impregnate her." I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wanted him to do that or that he willingly admitted this. Wait, Canseco has no shame. Scratch that. This is just F'd up.

Mini-Me Sex Tape. I read it. You have to, too. Sucker.

I was going to list more stuff, but I think I'm thoroughly disgusted now.

Good night.

A Sign of the Times?

Apparently, the First Amendment is not allowed at Republican events.

Though I'm sure the Right to Bear Arms was in full effect.

The skinny: A woman was forced to leave an event in which John McCain, the presumptive Republican nominee for President of the United States, was speaking. Why? She was holding a sign. The sign said simply, "McCain=Bush." Apparently, that is offensive.

Well, it is offensive, but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. Or is it?

Here. Watch the video...

So she was ticketed for trepassing. At a public event. On public property. Because her sign equated McCain with Bush.

Hell, if the Republicans don't want to be compared to Bush...

(Thanks to the Planet for this post.)

Addictions

A friend of mine calls it "Crackbook," and he's right. As much as I hate to admit it, Facebook is addictive.

Try it. Seriously. The next 72 hours of your life will be sucked away as you try to find old classmates and add all the frivolous, yet annoyingly features and applications to your profile.

And you WILL do all of that.

The classmate search thing is interesting, but it brings out your inner cattiness. That hot girl from college that would stop you in your tracks as she walked across campus? Yeah, likely not so much now. She's gotten rather large now.

Just like you, porky. People in glass houses...

And then there's the application called Mob Wars. I'm hooked.

You start out as a petty thief and work your way up to Marlon Brando.

(Again with the fat jokes, you say? Hey, pal, settle down. This is my blog.)

You pull jobs, earn cash, buy guns, get into fights, get experience, get points, pull bigger jobs, earn more cash, buy more and bigger guns, etc., etc., and so on.

It's effin' insane.

There's no graphics, no blood spurting all over the screen. Just words and numbers.

No matter. It's still cool as hell.

Try it. Come on. Take a hit off the pipe. Join Crackbook. You know you want to.

All your friends are doing it...

Collaborations

I've always enjoyed hearing and seeing musicians join other musicians to play their songs. It, to me, adds some energy, some bit of excitement to the song. I've seen Patti Smith join the 10,000 Maniacs to sing a cover of "Because the Night." I've seen Bruce Springsteen join Dave Matthews Band. It's cool stuff. Here's another sweet collaboration:

You know of any others?

Jello and the American Male

Jingles. You remember those. I saw a commercial featuring an old jingle but with a new ending, which I don’t remember. “I am stuck on Band-Aids ‘cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me.”

I’ll give you a moment to sing that to yourself, out loud if you must.

Good. Now you’re remembering other jingles, aren’t you? It’s ok to admit it. Here, I’ll get you started…

”Bring out the Hellmann’s and bring out the best,”
“My baloney has a first name, it’s O-S-C-A-R…,”
“I’d like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.”

You know you’re picturing that commercial…flower children who haven’t left the sixties, dancing and singing on lush rolling grassy knolls…It was the Kum By Ya of the seventies.

All for a soft drink that police use to get blood stains off of asphalt.

Now, if you’re like me, your next image is of the Native American man, crying a lonely tear down his leathery sun-beaten cheek because some lazy ass threw garbage in a creek.

You remember this.

So it got me to thinking about today’s commercials and the imprint they’ll leave behind, and I’m concerned. I’m concerned for the American male, and I’ll tell you why:

The American male is being portrayed as a gelatinous dolt.

A gelatinous dolt who can barely fix an Eggo waffle for his kids while the wife’s away. A gelatinous dolt who, once he stops sneaking Bud Lights and gets his lazy ass off the couch, can sure as hell grill a slab of meat and grunt into his toolbox. Now, I may be gelatinous (well, there’s no “may be” about it), but I’m no dolt. I can take care of my kids very well, thankyouverymuch and, well, Bud Light tastes like rat piss. Sure, if we grill out, I’m the one who does the grilling, but I certainly don’t treat it like some primal ritual. “I MAKE FIRE! grunt, grunt,” hold the meat triumphantly in the air like a trophy and then grab the wife by the hair and drag her in the cave. However, this is the perception of the American male that people of this generation will be left with.

Is that what we want?

Now in full disclosure, there are many American men who perpetuate and give credence to this portrayal. Ignore them. They are the sociological false positives. Throw them out. I would do this, literally, but apparently there are laws against such actions. But I’d like to think that the American male, for the most part, has changed. He is more actively involved with his family, he is more aware of his surroundings, he is, dare I say, more complete? I don’t know, but there is a difference. Maybe, after watching all that TV in the seventies, he is trying to “be all that you can be” without the Army.

To be sure, however, he is still gelatinous. “Watch him wiggle, see him jiggle…”

Hey brother, can you spare a dime?

There are 10 million people in this world who have a financial worth of one million dollars or more. Really. CNN.com says so.

10 million people. At least one million dollars.

I am not one of them.

Out of those 10 million, 600,000 of them are NEW millionaires.

I am not one of them either.

But I am not alone. 99.98 percent of us, out of 6.7 billion people, are financially worth LESS than a million.

So, as Carl Spackler would say, we've got that working for us.

"A Disappointed Idealist"

I could wax rhapsodic about the genius of George Carlin upon his passing, but rather, let's just hear from The Man himself...

"If you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America, you're given a front-row seat."

RIP, Mr. Carlin, and thank you.

How Steve Guttenberg reacted to the news of no more Police Academy movies

Hell hath no fury like a lame actor scorned...

I'm a Cyberslacker -- and so are you!

Long has been the debate, or issue, rather, that people spend too much time at work surfing the Internet which Al Gore so wonderfully gave us.

A new study, however, says that "cyberslacking" isn't really as bad as it seems.

For instance, people may use the Web at work to help balance job and life responsibilities; with the personal matters taken care of from work, they can focus on the task at hand.(Source: CNN)

The study also finds that everyone, from management to entry-level employees, is surfing the Tubes. The study did not cover the subject matter of the said surfing.

Which is probably a good thing.

Not for me of course. I'm merely balancing my job and life responsibilities.

YOU, on the other hand...

As usual, Dave Letterman speaks the truth...

Wrong. Just wrong.

Sorry for the lack of posts. Busy, tired, yadda, yadda, yadda. Onward we go...

Sure, in the grand scheme of things, losing a softball game isn't high on the list, but still. We go out in this level of Hell we call "Raleigh in June," sweat our you-know-what's off only to get screwed by some yutz who can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.

Not that I'm bitter.

The umpire blew the call in our 2nd game Friday night. Cost us the game, a higher seed in the playoffs, my sanity and the temper of the rest of our team.

I did get to yell "Sit down!" at some lady in the stands, which felt good. And watching the president of our company get up in the face of the umpire was rather amusing as well.

And the team we were playing is rather smarmy, in that Frank Burns from M*A*S*H kind of way. Despite their losing record, they seem to play us well. However, redemption happens on Wednesday in a rematch to open the first round of the tournament.

Let's hope we don't have the same crappy umpires.

An Eye For An Eye

These are the mugshots of abusive parents. Here's the story:

A 13 year-old boy who was tied to a tree two nights this week by his father and stepmother has died.

The boy's father told deputies he had tied the teen to a tree outside the home Tuesday night because he was being disobedient and other disciplinary actions had failed.

The father said he untied the boy Wednesday morning and allowed him back into the house, but he was tied to the tree a second time that night when he started acting up again. The boy remained tied up until his stepmother found him unconscious at about 4:30 p.m. Thursday, authorities said. (Source: WRAL.com)

You read that right. Parents tied their kid to a tree. Overnight. Twice.

At first, I thought that the parents should be shot, drawn and quartered and then shot again. But the more I thought about it, the more disgusted and appalled I became at how any parent could do that to their child, the more I came up with a better solution.

An eye for an eye.

I propose a new law. It's called the "Eye for an Eye" law, and, while I don't believe it is appropriate in all cases, I do believe it applies to cases of child abuse.

Let's tie the parents to a tree. In the summer. During 95 degree days that don't cool off much at night. And just because of the heinous nature of their actions, let's cover them in honey and release fire ants onto them. That should even things out, don't you think?

Jail is too easy for these, dare I say, "people." Give 'em what they've given out. Maybe it would prevent other parents from abusing their children. Unlikely, I know.

But I can hope.

WTF, part 2

Are you kidding me?

On the June 6 edition of Fox News' America's Pulse, host E.D. Hill teased an upcoming discussion on a gesture Sen. Barack Obama shared with his wife, Michelle, saying, "A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? The gesture everyone seems to interpret differently." (source: the Huffington Post)

"A terrorist fist jab." A terrorist fist jab. Are they serious? Did I actually write those words? Who comes up with this crap? Even Joseph McCarthy is laughing at this. Where does Fox come up with these people? Who actually believes this bullshit?

Why am I even blogging about this?

(Because I have to share the stupidity and warn all of you to be careful out there.)

Ms. Hill even brought in a body-language expert to analyze the so-called "terrorist fist jab."

She did apologize, saying

I mentioned various ways the Obamas' fist pump in St. Paul had been characterized in the media. I apologize because unfortunately, some thought I personally had characterized it inappropriately. I regret that. It was not my intention. And I certainly didn't mean to associate the word "terrorist" in any way to Senator Obama and his wife. Now, today, the senator is talking about the economy. (source: The Huffington Post)

The fact that Fox actually let her apologize should be duly noted as an act of God. That was, however, not enough, as Ms. Hill's show was cancelled the day after her apology.

Should you feel the need to make your voice here regarding this, ahem, "issue," you can do so here. You can also witness this assinine joke via the same link.

Unfortunately, she is being replaced with Bill O'Reilly female doppelganger, Laura Ingraham. Yeah, she's a peach.