Man vs Beast

When you think of "animal control," you think of the person who scrapes possum off of the road so it doesn't splatter on your tires.

In some places, that person is called "Dad" and the event is called "dinner."

However, that is not the case here. I need animal control, no matter who they are or what they do, for there are squirrels in the attic of my house.

Yeah. Squirrels. Cute little acorn eating furry f&%king rats who are invading my house, digging through my insulation, running amok above my bedroom and aren't even paying rent!

I would like them to be gone.

I don't want them killed, so if any of you fair readers are with PETA, just settle down and go nibble on some tree bark or something. I have no problem with the little bastards staying on our mortal coil, I just want them to explore the rest of the Earth outside of my house.

Now, where was I? Oh, right. Squirrels.

My wife and I weren't sure at first. We called an exterminator to come out and take a look. He saw mouse droppings. Put down a few traps. All done.

But the critters kept crittering. And loudly.

Upon hearing them above us, I looked at my wife and said, "If those are mice, we need a gun, because those are the loudest, heaviest mice I've ever heard."

(Not that I'm an expert or anything, but still...)

Later on, out of curiosity, she went up to the third floor of our house, opened the door to the attic and shined her flashlight around. Upon doing so, she was greeted by 4 friendly eyes as the squirrel version of Chip and Dale said hello.

So much for mice.

Today, I met with a representative of an animal control company. Fifteen minutes and $95 later, he tells me we have squirrels.

Oh enlightened buddha of the vermin, your words ring throughout the land as the truth and the way.

He asked me what kind of trap I would like him to use...a cage trap or a kill trap. He would have offered a third choice if we weren't in city limits, he said. It consisted of a chair, some Mountain Dew and a rifle.

Needless to say, I stuck with the cage trap.

So there are two cage traps in my attic, both slathered with peanut butter. The traps should have occupants by this evening. A quick call and he'll come back tomorrow to relocate them "to the country." Then he'll put some metal over the hole they dug to keep them from calling on Casa de Scott again.

For $275.

Yeah. 275 bones. For squirrels to go back to nature, be at one with the wilderness, in harmony with the winds and the light.

Hmmmn. Maybe I should have called PETA instead.