I love my soon-to-be three year-old daughter. Her sweet voice when she says, “I love you,” the giggle that bursts out and melts me where I stand. I marvel at her thinking ability, her comprehension level, her sense of humor. Her observations amuse and challenge me greatly. I am thankful for each moment with her.
Even when she drives me mad.
She’s very independent-minded. She knows what she wants and she wants to do things for herself. It’s nice to know that my wife and I are raising a child who can be self-sufficient.
And yet, her determined nature uncannily, quickly, and unexpectedly exposes my unknown Tourette’s condition.
It comes up like a storm over the plains. I’ll ask her to do something — put on her socks, for instance — and…and…GAH!!! Time starts to move like concrete, like Pangea’s separation, like FEMA after a hurricane and I begin to stutter, stammer…fail to complete sentences…thoughts…and throughout my brain, synapses begin synapping and a lighting storm of curses and vulgarities rain down upon me...
fuckshitgoddamnitshitshitshitfuckshitfuckPUTONTHEDAMNSOCKSALREADY shitfuckshitshhhiiiiitttttttt!!
Yet, those words never escape my head and see the light of day.
It’s not her fault I’m mental and OCD. My impatience is not for her to hear or see or experience, and I try my best to hide it. She is growing and finding and learning and figuring things out — boundaries, laws of physics and motion, rules, time. It’s natural. It’s essential.
And yes, it’s maddening. But it’s ok. She’s my kid and I love her every breath.
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Another glimpse...
A couple of weeks ago, I had to explain the universe to her.
(I’ll wait until you stop laughing, smart ass.)
One evening, as I picked her up from daycare, we were walking to the car and she noticed two shining objects in the night sky. She asked, “What are those things next to the Moon?”
“Those are planets, Venus and Jupiter.”
“What are planets?”
“Well, planets are big balls that circle around the sun. We have 8 planets in our solar system, and our solar system is part of the universe.”
A blank stare.
I recover quickly. “We live on the planet Earth.”
“We live on Earth?”
“Yep. That’s right.”
“Can we go to Jupiter?”
“No. It’s a long way away. We’d have to take a rocket to get there.”
“Like on Little Einsteins?”
“Yep.”
“We don’t have a rocket.”
“No, sweetie, we don’t have a rocket.”
Then came the question that made me smile.
“Those planets are shiny like stars.” A slight pause, and then, “Is our planet shiny like stars?”
“You know, sweetie, I don’t know.”
She looked back up at the sky, then looked at me and then put her head on my shoulder and we walked to the car.
Clearly, she must know we’re not related to Stephen Hawking.
