The "L" is for Let's Be Cool

Arguably, one of the greatest scenes in cinematic history.

Cat scratch fever

One of the funniest things I have ever read. This ranks right up there with the Chili Cook-Off story, which I'll post another time.

From a great site, List of the Day, this is one of Craigslist's Ad of the Day features.

My Cat Sprayed Ass On Me
Reply to: anon-60160142@craigslist.org
Date: Thu Feb 17 11:14:50 2005

This morning, I was assaulted by my cat in a way that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

My kitties and I have a morning routine that involves saying goodbye before I walk out the door. I was suited up, ready to go, and I walked over to my dresser to retrieve my keys. As usual, my male kitty was lounging on the dresser, waiting for his goodbye scratches. He stood up to give me my usual nuzzle goodbye, and then the most unholy of acts took place.

The friendly feline stretched, and the force of his stretch caused his anal glands to express....all over my face and in my mouth.

Now, a little biology background for those of you who aren't in the know. Dogs and cats have these glands in their anus that get expressed, usually when they defecate. The smell is somewhat akin to rotting bodies that have been dry-rubbed with gorgonzola cheese and then spit-roasted over a pile of burning feces.

Yum.

Plus, like all organic smells, it tends to bind to fabrics, which makes for a pleasant surprise when your cat rubs its butt on your sheets or couch. But, nothing compares to being sprayed full on in the face with this heinous slime.

At first I thought there was a drip coming from the ceiling. I looked up, puzzled, and then the smell and taste hit me like a ton of bricks. I stumbled blindly to the bathroom shouting, "I've been hit! I've been hit!, puked my breakfast up, and scrubbed my face, including my tongue, for 10 minutes.

The smell was still there.

I called Michele in a panic and she suggested I called the vet. I threw up again, composed myself, and made the most embarrassing phone call of my life.

Me: "Um...hi. My cats are patients over by you and uhhh...ok. This is going to sound crazy. Heh. Never thought I would make a call like this. Long story short, my cat expressed his anal glands on my face and I can't get the smell off."
Receptionist:" Hmm. Um. Let me get one of the techs on the phone for you."

I was then passed along to about 4 people in the office to explain my story, all the while trying to ignore the howling laughter in the background. The best they can come up with is for me to try rubbing vinegar on my face. Desperate, I try it out. After wincing through the sting and rinsing it off, I realize that I now smell like a delicious ass salad.

My face rapidly begins to dry out, making my skin feel tight and itchy. I slap some cream on and scream as the sting intensifies. Scrub, scrub, wash, wash.

More panic ensues, and I hop on the horn to Michele once again. I need to get to work, but I can't go out in public smelling like I bathed in eau de cat-ass, can I?

We decide to pull out the big guns, and my final attack on the funky face problem is to dab Febreeze on my face with a cotton swab. Sure, my face is blotchy and itchy from the chemical warfare it endured, but at least I smell predominantly like freshly washed laundry with a slight undertone of a tossed cat ass salad.

I am sure all of the odors will wear off eventually, but the mental anguish of unwanted anal play is sure to stick with me for a long while.

Man vs Beast

When you think of "animal control," you think of the person who scrapes possum off of the road so it doesn't splatter on your tires.

In some places, that person is called "Dad" and the event is called "dinner."

However, that is not the case here. I need animal control, no matter who they are or what they do, for there are squirrels in the attic of my house.

Yeah. Squirrels. Cute little acorn eating furry f&%king rats who are invading my house, digging through my insulation, running amok above my bedroom and aren't even paying rent!

I would like them to be gone.

I don't want them killed, so if any of you fair readers are with PETA, just settle down and go nibble on some tree bark or something. I have no problem with the little bastards staying on our mortal coil, I just want them to explore the rest of the Earth outside of my house.

Now, where was I? Oh, right. Squirrels.

My wife and I weren't sure at first. We called an exterminator to come out and take a look. He saw mouse droppings. Put down a few traps. All done.

But the critters kept crittering. And loudly.

Upon hearing them above us, I looked at my wife and said, "If those are mice, we need a gun, because those are the loudest, heaviest mice I've ever heard."

(Not that I'm an expert or anything, but still...)

Later on, out of curiosity, she went up to the third floor of our house, opened the door to the attic and shined her flashlight around. Upon doing so, she was greeted by 4 friendly eyes as the squirrel version of Chip and Dale said hello.

So much for mice.

Today, I met with a representative of an animal control company. Fifteen minutes and $95 later, he tells me we have squirrels.

Oh enlightened buddha of the vermin, your words ring throughout the land as the truth and the way.

He asked me what kind of trap I would like him to use...a cage trap or a kill trap. He would have offered a third choice if we weren't in city limits, he said. It consisted of a chair, some Mountain Dew and a rifle.

Needless to say, I stuck with the cage trap.

So there are two cage traps in my attic, both slathered with peanut butter. The traps should have occupants by this evening. A quick call and he'll come back tomorrow to relocate them "to the country." Then he'll put some metal over the hole they dug to keep them from calling on Casa de Scott again.

For $275.

Yeah. 275 bones. For squirrels to go back to nature, be at one with the wilderness, in harmony with the winds and the light.

Hmmmn. Maybe I should have called PETA instead.

Strange animals and other such nonsuch...

I don't know if you if you've noticed this or not, but there's an assload of useless crap on the Internet...

And here's a sampling:

Seven Hamburgers of the Apocalypse. Seven of the biggest, nastiest slabs of meat you'll ever see and hopefully never eat.
People in Cars. Ever wanted to see a bunch of people in their cars? Yeah, me neither. But I looked anyway, and so will you.
Strange Animals. So freaky, you'll think these are Photoshopped. Apparently, God had a lot of spare parts around when He created these beauts.
Flying Pizza Kitty. Duh.
The Surrealist Compliment Generator. "Your elbow patches rumble with a fear reminiscent of mayonnaise cradled in scotchguard."
Stop Alien Abductions. Need instructions on how to make that Thought Screen Helmet to protect you from the Alien MindMeld.
Impending Doom Clock. If we don't start listening to Al Gore, the environment is going to crap all over us. Find out when that shitstorm will hit.
Death by Caffeine. Before you suck down that cuppa Joe, see how many more you'll need to pull a Ben Sanderson and drink yourself to death.

Ok, I've done enough damage here. Good luck.

How Facebook can get you fired

Using the Intertubes at work can be a hazardous and costly thing. First, there's the productivity issue. Clearly, the more you are on the Tubes at work, the less productive you are. That costs the company money. That's not good.

Especially in this economy...

And of course, using Al Gore's invention could bring about viruses and such, but hell, that's what the IT department is for, right?

However, the most hazardous thing may be your own tiny brain and thoughts that run from the top of your head and come out through your fingertips onto the keyboard and appear for the world to see. Frequently, and for some, unfortunately, those synaptical impulses often remove any common sense filter you may have.

Just ask these teachers...

A Charlotte-Mecklenburg Schools teacher faces firing for posting derogatory comments about students on Facebook, while four others have been disciplined for posts involving "poor judgment and bad taste," spokeswoman Nora Carr said Tuesday.

WCNC, the Observer's news partner, turned up questionable pages on the social networking site by searching for people who identified themselves as CMS employees.

Superintendent Peter Gorman has recommended firing a teacher who listed "teaching chitlins in the ghetto of Charlotte" as one of her activities and drinking as one of her hobbies.

...She would not provide details about the offensive material, but the pages Campbell submitted included photos of female teachers in sexually suggestive poses and a black male teacher who listed "Chillin wit my n---as!!!" as an activity and had a suggestive exchange with a female "Facebook friend" accompanying a shirtless photo of himself.

Of course, there have been other cases of teachers posting information/content deemed inappropriate by some...

- A Colorado English teacher fired for posting her sexually explicit poetry on MySpace.

- A Florida band director fired for a MySpace profile that included "his musings about sex, drugs and depression."

- A Virginia art teacher fired for posting photos of his "butt art," done by painting his private parts and pressing them onto canvas.

All I have to say about that last one is, Duuuude? WTF?

Now I don't want to get into a free speech argument. I'm all for free speech. However, given their profession and the fact that they posted this information on a site that is popular with students, you'd have to say that it wasn't the smartest choice they could have made.

I know, I know...teachers are people, too, despite what my 13 year-old daughter says. They have hobbies, interests, even a life outside of school. But still, people...a little common sense. You have a very high profile job that requires decorum and professionalism. Remember this.

Failing that, try to remember the old adage, "Never put in writing anything that you wouldn't want read in open court or by your mother."

Or school administrators...

Listen to what the man said...

This speech by President-elect Obama will go down as one of the greatest speeches in history. If you haven't yet heard it, please do. If you have heard it already, listen again. It's worth it.

"America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?"

We can do this. Yes we can.

There is joy in Mudville again

Barack Obama is the new President of the United States of America!


Now it's time to get to work on making our country better. Yes we can!