A few small repairs

Count the years, you always knew it
Strike a match, go on and do it

It's been forever and a day, so I'll not drivel on about the why and where and all that. The lyrics above, and the title of this post, reference a wonderful song by a wonderful artist, "A Few Small Repairs" by Shawn Colvin off the album of the same name. I highly recommend it.

So I was driving home from work the other day and that song came up on shuffle. Seemed like I hadn't heard it in a while, so I turned it up a little bit. And it got me to thinking about things, things I've been doing since you all last read these words that leak from this brain. I am making a few small repairs. Actually, they're big repairs. Actually actually, it's just one big repair.

Just over a week ago, I had the first surgery of my life. Hopefully, the last -- just because, well, who really ever wants to have surgery anyway?

I had surgery to insert a Lap Band around my stomach to help me lose weight before I ate myself to death. I say that with every shread of honesty I can muster, because it's true. I'm 39 years old. I weighed 293 pounds. I didn't exercise. I didn't eat the right foods. I have high blood pressure. I have high cholesterol. I take too many medicines. According to my doctor, I have been walking the tightrope of diabetes and the rope is starting to fray.

I tend to worry a lot, have anxiety, all that stuff, but despite my mental tics, I feel safe to say that the ending was not going to be good or possibly very far away. Even one of those drum circle beating, hemp-wearing, snake oil-toting, tree bark-eating sorts could diagnose that.

And so here I am. Ten days post surgery with a 3 inch incision on my gut and a 1 centimeter incision a few inches above that. I haven't had solid food for 11 days. My stomach has rumbled, bubbled, gurgled and otherwise twisted itself stupid. I have to cut my pills up into tiny pieces so that I can take them. And yet, I'm doing really well.

Let me repeat that. I am doing really well.

I've lost somewhere around 12 pounds, give or take. But I'm not counting, and the amount, or the counting of, isn't necessarily important. What is important is that I've done something, and I'm doing something, that I didn't think I could do. I didn't think I could make this kind of commitment. I didn't think I had it in me. And while I've got a long way to go, I think I'm going to be okay.

Sure, I miss eating whatever I want. Somedays, I miss it a lot. But the problem was...my problem was...that I never knew how to stop, and I didn't care. In the last year or so, my appetite acted like a three-year old, wanting to do whatever it wanted to do, and frankly, I was a crappy parent, so I let it. It knew no boundaries and never got tired. My weight reached 296 pounds, the highest it had ever been. I saw it at a doctor appointment. The nurse weighed me. "I'm almost 300 pounds," I thought to myself. That threw me for a loop. 300. Wow. And for the rest of the appointment, I was a bit depressed, really deep in thought, mulling over my own state.

When I left the doctor's office, I went to Burger King and got 2 sausage egg and cheese croissants, hashbrowns, french toast sticks and a large Coke. I felt better.

I would eat and eat and eat and it really never phased me at all. At least until after I'd eaten. Then I would shake my head in disgust at myself. Wondering why I kept doing this. Why couldn't I stop. What would it take for me to get healthy.

There's no real epiphany here. No bright shining lights that blinded me into a new enlightenment. It just all came together for me. I'm not getting any younger. I have an amazing wife who I want to spend all my time with. I have two brilliantly spirited kids who delight me (at least on the days they're not driving me mad). I have a fairly decent life. But with my health the way it was going, I wasn't going to have those things much longer.

Enter the Lap Band.

Over the next two months, I researched and started the process of getting a band surgically inserted around my stomach. Medical, nutritional and psychological work-ups had to be done. Insurance had to be confirmed. But, i's dotted and t's crossed, August 14th came and now I have a band around my stomach that's going to help me lose weight and get healthy.

The big thing is, though, that the band is just a tool to help me lose weight. I have got to do the work. I've got to make better food choices. I've got to get my ass on the treadmill. I've got to do this because, well, I have to.

And I can.

I'll let you know how it's going from time to time. Hopefully in much more frequent bursts than I have done lately.

A Never Ending Parade

I love Star Wars. Had all the toys when I was a kid. Have seen all the movies numerous times...even the crappy ones that came out in the last decade. I've invested a lot of time and money into this franchise.

But you people in the pictures that follow...you have gone too far. You're pathetic. Just pathetic. Now, for the sake of us "normal" Star Wars fans, put down the lightsabre made from old toilet paper rolls, tell your wife/significant other to undo her hair from looking like she's got a couple danishes strapped to her head, and go get a life.

Really.

Here's a few other entrants in the Parade of Losers. You can find the rest here.

He who isn't busy being born...

...is busy doing other shit.

My sincere apologies, my fair readers (all three of you). It seems that life has swallowed me whole and is just now spitting me out.

Gimme a few hours, and I'll come up some witty wonderment to wow you.

Cheers.

15 Albums That Changed My Life

Most of these influenced my life and my writing to some degree. Some of them are just soundtracks for my memories.

In no particular order and numbered only so I will stop at 15...

1. "The Beatles 1967-1970" The Beatles
The first album I ever owned. My mom bought it for me when I was 7 years old and it started a lifelong obsession with The Beatles. I must have played "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" a million times. The opening to "Revolution" made me run around the house like a kid with ADD and no Ritalin. It still makes me push the gas pedal down a little further.

2. "A Hard Day's Night" The Beatles
I was at my grandmother's tiny apartment years ago. I was 8, 9 years old. So I'm looking through her records as she and I talked. She had quite the collection of country and western records. Charley Pride, Hank Williams, George Jones and Tammy Wynette. But tucked in between those records was “A Hard Day’s Night.” I gasped. “Grandma, you have a Beatles record!” She replied, “Oh yeah. Forgot about that. I like that song on there…the Hard Day Nights. I bought that when they were big.” Then silence. Then, “You can have it if you want.” I did. And I still have it. One of my most prized possessions.

3. “Being There” Wilco
Just a great train of a record, going over the hills and far away. I used to drive a lot. Asheville to Charlotte, Asheville to Raleigh, Asheville to everywhere, and no road trip ever took place without this double CD. It was simple yet elegant and Jeff Tweedy’s lyrics reminded me that my own writing should have such melody and flow.

4. “OK Computer” Radiohead
It took a few listens for me to get into this one, but now it’s a favorite. It stoked the poetic possibilities in me with its atmospherics and manic images. Phrases like “hysterical and useless,” “for a minute there, I lost myself,” and “arrest this man, he talks in maths, he buzzes like a fridge, he’s like a detuned radio” made my head spin and my pen write things I’d never even contemplated.

5. “These Days” The Grapes of Wrath
The short version: a long time ago, a girl wrecked herself and took me along for the ride. After she was gone and I worked on healing, I found myself in a Record Exchange in Charlotte near where I went to college. Browsing through the used tapes, I found the Grapes of Wrath. Canadian band. Never heard of them before, but as a Steinbeck fan, the name grabbed me. I bought it without listening and it was the salve my mind needed. Every song had the answer to every question or curiosity I had about the truck that had hit me. The tape never left my reach and helped me recover more quickly than I realized. I always wanted to send them a letter to thank them.

6. “Ten” Pearl Jam
The band and the album that really kicked my writing into gear. There is anger and madness and loss and all the angst-ridden feelings that hit some note inside me, whether I actually felt those feelings or not. In addition to all that, the record fuckin’ rocks. Such power and charge to it. Your head starts to move with it, a rage of some sort building in you just from the rush of the music. My 2nd favorite band behind the Beatles, and another album that got me through college and beyond. Another constant companion.

7. “Cracked Rear View” Hootie and the Blowfish
A “college” album in every sense of the word . They were just about our age and they of all the things college aged kids go through. Love, loss, daydreaming, the unknown, beer and wonder. So many memories with this one. Travis, Doug and I singing a horrible harmony to “Only Wanna Be with You.” Knowing every word to every song and singing along at their concert, soaked from the rain. Lots more somewhere in the back of my head.

8. “Big Red Letter Day” Buffalo Tom
Just put this in my CD player in the car, and like the Hootie album, this is another “college” album. With the rise of grunge and angst rock in the early 90s, some bands took a lighter approach. No less angst-ridden or introspective, these bands still hit the themes that were identifiable, but with less bluster. “Big Red Letter Day” made me feel like I wasn’t alone in feeling alone. And frankly, they’re just great songs.

9. “Time Out of Mind” Bob Dylan
Brilliant. Just brilliant. It started my whole Dylan kick. I’d never been a huge fan, but then I saw him on this tour and that was it. His voice changed…no longer nasally, it’s grit and gravel and real and it made the lyrics just grab you. It’s bluesy, it’s poetic, it’s a long ride on a long, hot, flat road somewhere in the South. He made me think about getting older and what happens and what to make of it all. And “Make You Feel My Love” just might be one of the greatest love songs ever written.

10. “In My Tribe” 10,000 Maniacs
The one good thing, other than a new definition of sanity, that came out of my first real relationship. We played this tape over and over and over. Every song said something to me, even if the subject matter wasn’t exactly relevant. It’s one of the first albums where the music came in colors and the lyrics were a poem. Natalie’s voice and lyrics were perfect, and the cameo by Michael Stipe on “A Campfire Song” made it even better.

There’s five others that somehow influenced the direction of my life. I’m just too lazy to write a bunch about them. That doesn’t diminish their importance.

11. “A Few Small Repairs” Shawn Colvin – You can take “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks…a fine song and all...but for a getaway song, I’ll take “Wichita Skyline” any day.

12. “Lifes Rich Pageant” R.E.M. – "Cuyahoga," "These Days," "Fall On Me," "I Believe," "Just a Touch," "Superman." There's power and poise here that made me want to decipher whatever the hell it was that Michael Stipe was saying to see if it applied to me.

13. “The River” Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – “Hungry Heart” was the first Springsteen song I remember hearing, coming through the cab window into the back of my stepfather’s rusted yellow truck. One of my top 3 favorite Bruce songs. The album? A reminder of what’s out there.

14. “The Unforgettable Fire” U2 – Before Bono became a meglomaniac. “A Sort of Homecoming” and “Bad” still raise the hairs on the back of my neck.

15. “Grace” Jeff Buckley – “Hallelujah.” Enough said.

No jinxes please

If I only I could be as happy as these clams...

I don't want to jinx a good thing, so I'll just say that I feel really good about my interview with the NC Dept. of the State Treasurer. I'm hoping that the person who inteviewed me feels the same way. I should know if I'm picked for a second interview sometime on Tuesday.

I hope.

Not that I'll be sitting by the phone.

Staring at it longingly.

Yearning to hear its mellifluous, dulcet tones softly wafting through the air calming my fraid, shredded, Xanax-addled nerves...

sakjflwekisnmldkfjsowke

Really, I'm ok.

Top Reasons Being Laid Off is Good

Every cloud as a silver lining, right? Here we go.

Number 10: You save water by not showering every day.
Number 9: No annoying co-workers to deal with.
Number 8: Freelance jobs offer the opportunity to work in underwear.
Number 7: One word: Oprah.
Number 6: Safe to go outside now that Bush is out of office.
Number 5: Staring contests with the cat.
Number 4: Nap time, baby!
Number 3: More time to do wife's bidding. (Hey, who hacked into my blog?!?!)
Number 2: Surfing the Internet without getting hassled by The Man.

and the Number 1 reason why being laid off is good: It's fun to be a part of such a large group.

Understanding what's important

I've thought about this post for a while. I wasn't sure how to word all this, but really it's simple, especially now that I've had some time to think about it, to get over any anger and frustration I had and realize the opportunity in front of me.

I got laid off last Tuesday, January 13th.

I worked at this particular company for over 6 years and did my job pretty well, so I was told. Many others did as well. And in one day, 31 of us were told we were no longer needed. Just like that. Here's a severance and some insurance for a couple months. Good luck.

I went through a variety of emotions in the hours and days that followed. At first, you find yourself a bit stunned, but more just in awe of the task in front of you. How to survive. How to take care of your family. The basics.

The next day, you focus on you. You get a little pissed. A little irked. Why me? Why do I have to go through this? You think about the people who remain and hope they are well. But you also wonder how some of them are still there.

What was the differentiating factor? Salary? Talent? Ass-kissing? You re-think everything you ever did at work and second-guess all the time, all in search for that answer that will allow you to sleep again.

And then you realize that it doesn't matter why you were let go. That what's done is done. That your path and your fortune lie elsewhere. That you move forward and onward to the next milepost in your life.

Getting to that next milepost isn't easy...especially in these times. But hopefully, today's events in Washington will make that easier. I'm hopeful for that. I'm hopeful I'll find something that will help me take care of my family.

I'm hopeful that each day brings something better, and that's something worth hoping for.

Life with a Toddler

I love my soon-to-be three year-old daughter. Her sweet voice when she says, “I love you,” the giggle that bursts out and melts me where I stand. I marvel at her thinking ability, her comprehension level, her sense of humor. Her observations amuse and challenge me greatly. I am thankful for each moment with her.

Even when she drives me mad.

She’s very independent-minded. She knows what she wants and she wants to do things for herself. It’s nice to know that my wife and I are raising a child who can be self-sufficient.

And yet, her determined nature uncannily, quickly, and unexpectedly exposes my unknown Tourette’s condition.

It comes up like a storm over the plains. I’ll ask her to do something — put on her socks, for instance — and…and…GAH!!! Time starts to move like concrete, like Pangea’s separation, like FEMA after a hurricane and I begin to stutter, stammer…fail to complete sentences…thoughts…and throughout my brain, synapses begin synapping and a lighting storm of curses and vulgarities rain down upon me...

fuckshitgoddamnitshitshitshitfuckshitfuckPUTONTHEDAMNSOCKSALREADY shitfuckshitshhhiiiiitttttttt!!

Yet, those words never escape my head and see the light of day.

It’s not her fault I’m mental and OCD. My impatience is not for her to hear or see or experience, and I try my best to hide it. She is growing and finding and learning and figuring things out — boundaries, laws of physics and motion, rules, time. It’s natural. It’s essential.

And yes, it’s maddening. But it’s ok. She’s my kid and I love her every breath.

--------------------------------------

Another glimpse...

A couple of weeks ago, I had to explain the universe to her.

(I’ll wait until you stop laughing, smart ass.)

One evening, as I picked her up from daycare, we were walking to the car and she noticed two shining objects in the night sky. She asked, “What are those things next to the Moon?”

“Those are planets, Venus and Jupiter.”

“What are planets?”

“Well, planets are big balls that circle around the sun. We have 8 planets in our solar system, and our solar system is part of the universe.”
A blank stare.

I recover quickly. “We live on the planet Earth.”

“We live on Earth?”

“Yep. That’s right.”

“Can we go to Jupiter?”

“No. It’s a long way away. We’d have to take a rocket to get there.”

“Like on Little Einsteins?”

“Yep.”

“We don’t have a rocket.”

“No, sweetie, we don’t have a rocket.”

Then came the question that made me smile.

“Those planets are shiny like stars.” A slight pause, and then, “Is our planet shiny like stars?”

“You know, sweetie, I don’t know.”

She looked back up at the sky, then looked at me and then put her head on my shoulder and we walked to the car.

Clearly, she must know we’re not related to Stephen Hawking.